Life,doubt,love and everything what!

For the past few months of staying here in Doha a little girl is struggling with what she wants and what she wants to be. In the eyes of her colleague, they describe her as a strong, full of confident and smart one who enjoy the flow of life ahead of her. She is always on the go, live like a normal one but in tremendous ways. It seems she got everything she desires, from the fine clothes she wears up to the delightful foods she devour. She got a good friends and a lover, It’s seems like there’s no uncertainties to see on her eyes. She’s ok!

The word “ok” is not as bad as it is, but can get as worst as you never thought it could be. That’s why I never settle of being just ok, because I know there’s lot to offer.

I always keep in mind that I will try to be in control.

Control myself not to fail, not fall and not to be far away from my goal.

But I won’t let anyone control me.

Base on my situation right now, someone wants to put a tie on my neck and lead me to whatever he wants me to do in his favor. That’s why, right now I can say that life is still unfair; the destiny may found its way to guide me to a perfect life, but there will always a halt for you to struggle out to the flame of hell of the upper hand.

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I don’t care.

It doesn’t bother me.

Whatever, I don’t give a fuck.

The three phrases that I usually apply on the life base situation I have.

People will be annoyed the way I think and the way I handle the situation against them, well not against them because as I’ve said – I don’t give a fuck.

But still I’m human with emotions and soul; things may get through me in different ways and circumstances. Let’s not count what those things are but move on to what life can offer not for less but for real.

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I met a guy who talks about religion and faith – questioning things that probably out of its way to do it. But freedom of speech gets through and starts wondering why people believe in something that they cannot see. As the saying goes “Seeing What You Believe, Believing What You See”. If your God’s is not on the physical form and only in the spiritual being, how can you entrust yourself and your faith with that.

It’s not like he is trying to persuade my faith, well if he can. Nevertheless it’s like giving an inch of reality of life, which mere facts and writings can’t explain.

Life without a doubt is useless; doubt keeps faith a living thing. After all, you cannot know the strength of your faith until it is tested (Lines from the “Life of Pi”). Questioning your own faith and having doubt about it is healthy or I may say what makes you human, or else you are just one of the pretenders in a group of religious man praying for their needs and forgiveness. I’m no holy and no glory, but I believe in something that my parents influence me, I believe in the unseen God and my faith grows deeper and deeper because of how I feel about it, there’s unexplainable behavior and emotion.

To make it simple, I believe in something that cannot response a word but do it in mysterious ways in least you expect it.

I talk to him, I get my strength on Him, I believe in Him – this how I describe my religious faith. Even though I don’t practice my religion quite well, still there’s a part of me that make me want to believe.

There was a time that everyone seemed to abandon me even the God that I believe in. That was a perfect time to question my faith, but if you believe in something for a long time that you entrust yourself with, I guess this thing will not shudder your faith.
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I never believe in happy endings.

Like I predicted that our relationship will not going to work ‘til the end.

Movies, fairy tales, fiction and sci-fi – they give you a life story with awesome ending and sealed kisses. That’s where you can imagine how a perfect life should be, in the movie - that’s what he said to me. It’s feels like he don’t want to have a good love story with me, where at the end we will live happily ever after.

I practice that in my mind – never believe in happy endings. Sometimes it makes me feel uncertain of the things around me, like meeting again a new guy who will make me believe that happy ending did exist, but I doubt it. He puts me in this position to doubt those things and it really sink into my brain, but still, it was my fault.

Recently a guy make me feel like I was on cloud 9, make me feel like I was a princess -  now here comes my conscience -  this isn’t  a fairy tale babe, it not gonna work out. I’m not only having a doubts on the guy but I really doubt myself, maybe because I’m still stuck on the past where life makes me realized that I cannot have the best of both worlds. After that I tear apart – losing myself in different points of life, it took me so long before I pick myself piece by piece.

After almost one year of struggling and accepting what is no longer in my system, I met a guy. We have very unconventional chemistry, actually I don’t know how to explain it but I really feel good and special whenever I’m with him.

I know this guy in very normal situation – we are workmates – it’s like a simple thing to know everyone your working with. But what’s unusual is - that I got a really bad impression on him, he is so arrogant – perfectionist and handsome.

I don’t want to describe him, but we get to know each other in different way, we even fight and I asked him if he could just stop communicating on me but he don’t. We start again as a friend - chatting on email and exchanging sms. Things goes well - and i hope will lead us to a wonderful relationship ahead.